Time to talk mental health.

I've been feeling really shit lately, really shit, each time I thought I hit rock bottom I'd fall even more. I've been struggling to cope, with my physical health which has then affected my mental health, and it's taken me a long time to realise that sometimes we all need help getting through whatever stresses life throws at us. We all need a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen just something to get us through until the morning. It's a very British thing when someone asks "How are you?" and to say that we're fine, even if we're on the verge of tears, we're tired or we're depressed, struggling, tired, anxious, embarrassed, whatever it is, it's this odd taboo, to feel we have to conceal our feelings. I'm very guilty of this as I would often feel ashamed or guilty to be feeling a certain way when in fact I have every right to feel that way. You could be going through the most traumatic experience or you could just be feeling so goddamn depressed and you don't know why, and either way, we are allowed to feel that way. It's okay if you go to see a therapist or you're on medication, it's okay if you need to go to your GP, it's okay to say "help me." , it's nothing to be ashamed of just as it's nothing to be ashamed of if you have a physical condition. People need insulin to help cope with their diabetes, or antibiotics if they have an infection or painkillers for their pain and that's accepted, but why is it when you need a helping hand to help cope with your mental health it's frowned upon? I see a psychologist to help me deal with my physical illness and its effects on my mental health, no one knew that up until now, I got it in my head that I'd get teased, judged and treated differently. I was embarrassed that I needed help to cope, embarrassed I should just get on with it that there are people with real problems, yet my problems are just as real as anyone else's, and that's the same for everyone. Our problems, thoughts, feelings are all valid, and the fear and shame of being embarrassed was not only due to the surrounding stigma of mental health, but it was unintentionally adding to it.

I openly talk about my physical health, but I've realised I've never opened up about mental health, which for the record is just as important as physical health. It's strange, if you asked me to talk about the poop and the other "TMI" components to my physical health or mental health, I'd easily choose the first one, uncomfortable to even start a conversation about mental health. This is the thing that needs to change. We shouldn't be feeling afraid to talk about mental health, we should be happy and confident. Recently it was Time to talk day, which is a whole day dedicated to ending the stigma surrounding mental health and the discrimination that comes with it. Mental health problems affect one in four of us, we all know someone who is going through mental health problems, but we all struggle with our mental health sometimes, whether it be stress and anxiety during exam season or depression when we've lost someone close to us, everyone goes through a rough patch with their mental health yet many people like me are afraid to talk about it. Time to talk days is an amazing campaign that helps encourage us to start a conversation with mental health, to start challenging that stigma, to make mental health matter. So please if you're reading this, start that conversation, it may seem awkward or difficult at first, but it might make the world of difference to someone, and that is invaluable.

Tips for reaching out to somebody: "Be the change you want to see in the world" - Gandhi

Starting the conversation can be unnerving, overwhelming and you just have no clue where to start, but just letting someone know you care can actually make such a big difference to someone, telling them you're there for them, reassuring them and popping up every now and then will help to ensure they don't feel isolated and alone. Sometimes it might be easier to plan what you're going to say to someone, but even when you have no words, just listening without judgement can actually mean more than anything. It's also good to do your research, of ways you can help people and places that can be supportive in their area. Remember people with mental health conditions deserve just as much compassion as people with physical health conditions. Following the tips below will help to encourage a conversation which could, in fact, be lifesaving. Ps. These tips can also be used for yourself, it's important to be gentle and kind to you too - something I really need to learn.

Tip number 1: If someone opens up to you about their mental health, remember they are the same person and they don't want you to treat them differently just because they have a mental health condition. One of the best things you could do to be there for them is to do things you would normally do together.

Tip number 2: Be patient and be sensitive. No matter how much you want them to talk or how many questions you ask, some people aren't ready to talk, and that's okay. It's vital to stay patient and sensitive to their feelings, understand that it's a difficult thing to do to talk about mental health, and just be there supporting them for whenever they're ready. It may take several attempts, but time is key when listening to someone.

Tip number 3: Don't ever say something along the lines "Just get out more", "Just think differently" or "people have it worse than you" because that is instantly damaging and will make them feel guilty about their problems and less likely to open up.

Tip number 4: Creating a safe space, for the person to feel comfortable to open-up is vital. To be a good listener it's key that the other person trusts you not to be judgemental while they work through their difficult and overpowering thoughts and feelings.

Tip number 5: Sometimes opening up about your own experiences, can make someone feel more at ease that you understand what they're going through. However try to hold back from offering too much advice, it's key to not invalidate their experience. When you want to listen to their experiences, it's hard to do that when you're thinking of ways to make it better or trying to change how they're feeling.

Tip number 6: Avoid blaming them, teasing them, defining them by their illness or stigmatising mental health. This is extremely unhelpful and can result in that person feeling more isolated and misunderstood than ever. Instead of this, acknowledge their struggles and how difficult things are for them.

How chronic illness affects my mental health.

Recently my GI disorder has been flaring and I've been feeling more and more depressed. I've watched the things I wish I could do and people living their lives, whilst I lay in a hospital bed losing every ounce of dignity I had. In my recent flare-up of abdominal pain I felt the universe never wanted me to be happy, because every time I felt I was making progress my body made up some new rules about sickness and changed the game I felt like I was playing, always ending up as the loser. Chronic illness is a thief, it steals everything you've ever had and ever known: your livelihood, your happiness, your life; it takes everything from you. Being chronically ill, is the most isolating and lonely experience ever, especially when you feel not only the world hates you but the universe too, that feeling makes you feel so goddamn lonely, it doesn't give you a reason to fight if you constantly lose, why would you want to play the game anymore?

Being chronically ill can take a huge toll on your mental health when your body decides to change its rules it leaves it up to you to re-invent your life and personality and that's a really harsh truth to deal with. You have to change who you are to survive to get through the endless bad days. You feel every emotion every day. Pain, anger, happiness, hurt, success, hopelessness, powerlessness, joy - they all seem to cling on to your ability to keep your shit together. You spend so much time trying to trick the world into thinking you're okay by smiling and laughing and that's the irony of chronic illness, you end up crumbling inside, alone. It's this constant fighting or negotiating with yourself, day in day out, and there comes a point when you're tired of having your body betray you time and time again. You feel like an actor playing a part, and then when you stop acting you seem to watch the world continue, watching everything you could be doing and watching everyone doing the one thing you want to do; live. It's so demoralising when you can't get yourself out of bed in the morning. You just want to scream to the world that you're hurting both physically and mentally, desperate for someone in your corner to help fight the pain, the world, and your thoughts.

I knew I wasn't coping with my illness when I was tired of living, so I saw a psychologist, who helped me to deal with my chronic pain. We worked together and slowly and slowly he helped to get "me" back. We've been working together for 2-3 years, and I'm looking back on where I've started and where I am now. I'm not perfect or cured, but having therapy sessions was a game changer, it's a slow route and it takes a lot of difficult conversations, tears, emotions to get through to the other side, but the hard work is worth every tear shed and in the end I came out the other side. I'm not always consumed by my doubts, my negative thoughts and feelings, my illness' limitations every waking moment, they're there but not sucking me down as much anymore. Believe me, I have good and bad days, just as I do with my chronic illness, and there are days where I and down that spiral, that rabbit hole of depression, but I've learnt and I'm learning, that that's okay.

I honestly think everyone should see a counsellor or therapist at least once in their lives because we all have a chapter of a book we don't want to read aloud and we all struggle with something, even if people look like everything in their life is perfect. We try our best to look after our body by eating healthy, moisturising our skin, cleaning our teeth, we do everything we can to be healthy, so why aren't we like that with our mental health? Sometimes we need a little MOT for upstairs, just to get us functioning again. I've learnt so much from my therapy sessions, on how to cope, how to deal with negative thoughts and the side effects of illness. I'm so glad I'm learning to deal with things because no one deserves to suffer from any mental health condition or any overbearing struggles. Our struggles don't have to define us, they don't have to consume our entire life, I'm learning that yes my physical illness has a hell of a lot of limitations but that doesn't mean my life has to be one big struggle.

"You are not your feelings. You just experience the,. Anger, sadness, hate, depression, fear.

This is the rain you walk in.

But you don't become the rain.

You know the rain will pass.

You walk on.

And you remember the soft glow of the sun that will come again." - Matt Haig

Some helpful helplines when you just need someone to listen, whether you're suicidal or you're just going through a really rough patch they're there to help you through whatever is getting you down. I know it seems daunting and saying those three words " I need help", can sometimes feel impossible, however, there is nothing to be ashamed of, when you just need a little help to get you through to the next day. Remember if it's an emergency to call your national emergency service phone number (either 999 in the UK or 911 in America)

UK numbers:

Samaritans – for everyone Call 116 123 Email jo@samaritans.org

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – for men Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight every day

Childline – for children and young people under 19 Call 0800 1111

American numbers:

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - For everyone

(http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) is a 24-hour, confidential suicide prevention hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress

Call 1-800-273-8255

The Trevor Project

(http://www.thetrevorproject.org/) is a nationwide organization that provides a 24-hour phone hotline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.

Call 1-866-488-7386.