A Journal Entry - Fighting a battle that you can never win - 01/05/2019

"Do you ever have one of those days when you think 'what the hell is the point of fighting a battle you can never win?', well today is one of those days. It all just feels like a neverending dejavu, and you ask and ask the universe for the happy ending - but life is no fairytale. Do happy endings even exist? Who knows? Each time I get my hopes up, hoping the universe might actually give me a reason why it is all so screwed up, because now would be a really blooming good time to give me an answer. Just when we think we have everything figured out, the universe decides to throw us a curveball. But right now it would be much appreciated if the universe could cut the crap and give me my life back. I know, I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but sometimes it feels like I can't handle this, it's just too much, it feels like a neverending hell. Someone please break me out of this, it's ruining my life and it's ruining me. Why don't I just throw the towel in and give up? Lord knows it's easier than fighting, but something something is keeping me fighting, something is worth the tears, the pain, the heartache. Maybe the hope of a happily ever after, maybe I still believe? But whatever the reason is, I'm grateful.

Today was a bad day, it won't be the first and it sure as hell won't be the last, but you can't know joy without pain - even though it would be really great if I could know some joy right now. Life goes on with or without you; just like a school bus wouldn't wait for you if you're late. Well everyday I watch the bus drive by, silently observing everything I love go on and away, without me. The carousel of life never stops turning. I have no choice to watch my life drip away from me, like the raindrops on a window. I just want to get on that bus so badly, I don't want to be left behind anymore.

Recently I've been having these thoughts that the universe hates me and I can't explain how lonely it feels to think that the mighty universe and everything it is, hates you. I feel ostracised. I feel like I'm locked in this glass box being tortured and laughed at by the universe and that there is no way out. I just want my life to go back to what it was, and I would even get on my knees and beg, just to for my life to make sense again, that would be great. "

Love Lucie. x

So as you can see, I was having a really rough day, I was in a flare and had a really bad day at the hospital. I wanted to share this with you to show you, that I don't always have the instagramable perfect life, I have bad days too. This world is so focussed on posting the positives that it can often make us feel worse, when we think everyone has their sh** together but us. However more importantly I want to show you that I survived 100% of my bad days, and so can you. You will want to give up, you will not want to fight anymore, you will protest against everything that is happening in your life, you will scream and cry on the bathroom floor and wish it would all be over, but you will wake up the next day and you don't lay your armour down, you keep fighting life's battles and soon you will find your rainbow that comes from the rain. One bad day, doesn't mean you'll have a bad life. I can promise that the storm you are going through is temporary, even when it feels neverending. Your heart is beating, and that's called purpose, you're alive for a reason.Today might have sucked, tommorrow might suck even more, but maybe the next week or the next month you'll find that little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.