A Girl's Guide to Chronic Illness pt.4 - A letter to someone who's world has just been turne

Dear person reading this,

I know you feel betrayed, by the one thing you swore would always be on your side, your body, the thing you have to fight day in day out, with the constant thought that you'll never win. I know the soul-crushing loneliness, and the heaps of questions swirling through your mind and the inevitable "Why me?". I know that the world feels like it's collapsing onto you, and you feel that there is no way out, no hope and that this is your life now, that you won't be the person you was or the person you wanted to be, that all your dreams are gone. I know there seems like no point fighting anymore when you only seem to go one step forward and 2 steps backwards. I get you just want to raise that white flag, surrender, as the hopelessness consumes you and that the thought of living slips through your fingertips.

I get it.

This letter is for

The person who hides their pain, who says they're okay when really they're screaming inside. For the person who is desperate for just one day, that doesn't seem so impossible to live. To the person who wishes they weren't themselves anymore. The person who is so lost, and scared, but tries to put on a brave face every day, the person who has been marginalised to feel as if they're existence is a burden on everyone they meet. For the person that blames themselves night after night, that somehow their illness is all their fault. For the person who has been left out, who has watched everyone continue with their life as theirs crumbles in their hands. For the person who has had their heartbroken by the friends who have left them, desperately wanting to be loved and treated equally despite their illness. For the person who is sick and tired of countless doctor appointments, who is sick and tired of taking so many prescription meds, for countless more tests, for the person who is sick and tired of being sick. For the person who cries uncontrollable silent tears, that no one else knows about, desperate for someone to understand, desperate to be the person they used to be rather than someone they don't recognise anymore. For the person who just wants to be better again.

I get it because that person is also me.

I'm writing this letter to say, I get it, I know how you feel, but also to show that you're not alone. Illness, struggling, loneliness, asking questions with answers you never want to hear, feeling like life was not worth living anymore and being powerless to stop it. When all of this hit me I was depressed, and I was in denial, and I lost the person I was. I loved doing things, I had this confidence that I wish I still had, I had this innocence that had never known pain, I had this smile that wasn't fake. I would sing my heart out, I would dance, so terribly, but I didn't care, I had this enthusiasm about living. I never thought I'd be yearning for a day without a struggle to get out of bed, let alone have to weigh up the consequences my body would have to pay for, for me to have the freedom to be myself. I used to be the epitome of independence, ambition, and strength, and now all I feel like is someone who is weak and a burden. That's the shittiness of chronic illness. The unique journey of chronic illness is so isolating, debilitating, but most importantly life-changing, and it can feel like no one understands the struggle. But I do.

I see your strength, your fire, your dignity, your fortitude, and also your pain. I see you struggling, even if you feel like no one can see you struggling, and it's okay to struggle, it's okay to show that you're in pain, it's okay if the only thing you've achieved today was getting out of bed. Your feelings, your despair, your pain, your disappointments are all valid, and you never have to justify how you feel to other people. You and I may have two completely different illnesses, but that doesn't mean we don't go through a similar journey, and just because we're different doesn't mean that you're not hurting any less. We both go through the same highs and the same lows, the same disappointments of when treatments don't work, or when we don't get the test results we want. We've both been robbed of our life, and we both have every right to grieve the life we once had. Your struggling is not any less, just because you've only just been diagnosed.

There's one thing I just want you to promise me, that no matter how dark your world gets, you won't give up. I know it's so much easier said than done because it feels like everyone has given up on you, your loved ones your doctors and in sheer desperation you want your pain to end, but please remember I haven't given up on you, and you shouldn't give up on you either. Why? Trust me when I say things will get better. But, they will also get worse. There will be highs and lows. There will be pain and some relief. There will be hope, and there will be no hope. There will be laughter and there will be tears. All I can promise you is that you're not alone, your pain is real, your feelings are valid, and that you CAN do this, I believe in YOU. Remember, you own your illness, your illness doesn't own you. Don't let your chronic illness keep you from being happy. The real question you might ask is "how do I keep going?" It's a hard one, but a couple of tips that I learnt on the way are :

- Don't be so judgemental and hard on yourself

- Take the small victories as big victories

- Listen to your body

-Surround yourself with people who understand, and make you happy

- Track your achievements as often you forget how far you truly have come.

-Remember that you have survived 100% of your bad days, why give up now?

- Remember you are doing the best you can, despite knowing there are so many things beyond your control and that probably scare you.

Remember, you are strong even when you think you are weak. Your illness does not define YOU. Just because you have a chronic illness, doesn't mean you can't be happy or you can't live the life you've always dreamed of. You can and will achieve your dreams and hopes for the future. You are stronger than whatever comes your way. You are amazing. You are inspiring. You are resilient.

Love,

someone who gets it.